Hazing Tobi
by The-MarmaladeCat1
Summary: Spoilers for the Manga up to Ch.281! Joining the Akatsuki is not as easy as certain people seem to think... [Crack] Deidara, Zetsu etc


This is for thomasvye because her comics on this subject absolutely crack me up!

It's crack, people, so no apologies if they're OOC! ;p

I have taken up the convention of nicknaming the tallest unknown Akatsuki simply "Tall" because we fangirls are imaginative like that.

* * *

"I don't get it, Zetsu-san. Why don't they like me?"

Zetsu didn't look up from what he was doing, his actions concealed beneath his arching leaves. "Mmm," he replied noncommittally.

"I try my best, I do! I'm a prime candidate to fill the empty position. In fact, I'm the _only_ real candidate. No-one else has my skills, or my abilities! In fact, I think it could be said that the Akatsuki _needs_ me!"

"Like a dog needs fleas, un?"

Tobi turned sharply at the sound of Deidara's voice and looked around wildly.

"Heh…up here, brat."

The youth's gaze finally found the two figures standing in the gloom of the cave behind him.

"Ah, greetings, masters!"

Seemingly unruffled by their sudden appearance, Tobi bowed politely to the two Akatsuki perched on the ceiling. Deidara frowned scornfully and the tallest of the Akatsuki shook his head slowly. With a graceful flip, the ex-Iwa nin kicked off the ceiling and landed directly in front of the young man.

"You're hardly even fit to clean my boots, un. We could have strangled you with your own mask strings if you'd let us get any closer! And you think you're ready to join the Akatsuki! Sasori-danna will come back and haunt us all if we let someone as pathetic as you into the group!"

On the ceiling, Tall nodded and folded his arms grimly. Zetsu sighed softly and spoke, his voice muffled from within his cloak.

"Deidara-san forgets that he was once a young nin too, inexperienced and new, still eager to prove his worth."

"Yeah, but the difference there, Zetsu, is that I _had_ worth, even when I first turned up."

There was a soft noise of agreement from the direction of the ceiling. Tobi stiffened and then visibly relaxed. His voice was cheerful when he replied, but it didn't take a ninja to hear the strain behind it.

"I will prove myself to you all, Deidara-san. You will see, I am worthy of the Akatsuki. It's only a matter of time! Now, if you will excuse me, I have been gathering some important information for Uchiha-san and I want to get it to him before he goes too far. Have a good day, masters! Zetsu!"

Zetsu turned finally, the movement causing his hands to become visible. Nodding amiably, he handed a scroll to the young man, "It all seems to be in order, Tobi. I'm sure Itachi-san is going to be very pleased with that. He's sure to thank you for your hard work."

Even with the mask on, the glare of Tobi's triumphant grin was obvious. He bowed to the Grass nin and with a cheerful nod to the other two Akatsuki, leapt away and out of the cave.

"What the hell was he talking about, un?"

Zetsu sighed quietly and shook his head. Reaching inside his cloak he pulled out an opened scroll and passed it over to Deidara to read. Tall shifted closer along the ceiling, tilting his head to read upside down over the other's shoulder.

"He has somehow obtained information on the whereabouts and activities of Itachi's little brother. Quite impressive really."

Deidara made a sour face at Zetsu's words and scanned the scroll quickly. It was covered in Tobi's neat print, even the diagrams were intricately drawn and labelled.

"Hn," he grunted. "I thought the brat was taking this to Itachi."

Zetsu nodded amiably. "Yes, so does he."

Tall and Deidara exchanged glances and then both glared hard at the ex-Grass nin.

"And…?"

"Oh it, does. Contain pertinent information for the Uchiha, that is."

A few long moments passed in silence as the three nin stared after Tobi's retreating form.

"Zetsu…"

"It's an informative welcome pack, and a schedule card for an introductory appointment. For the local optician's. I believe there's even a personalised flyer in there for their fantastic "buy now, pay next year" offer on new pairs of glasses."

There was a long moment of silence as the information registered in the minds of the two listening nin.

"How incredibly _thoughtful_ of him," said Deidara eventually.

"I thought so."

It took both hands holding on to a nearby stalactite to stop Tall from laughing hard enough to knock himself off the ceiling.


End file.
